Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko, mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin, yung side ko na gusto kong iexplain, pero when I started to type, lahat nawawala na.. 1 or 2 sentences nalang yung nagagawa ko. Why is that -_-
Since, I’ll go far far away and I won’t be able to blog as much as I want to, e I’ll try my very best to dig in my deepest thoughts about what’s happening in my life now..
So yeah, I’ll transfer to Ilocos..for now. Since tapos na yung work ko at sobrang nahihirapan na ako dito, hindi na ako masaya, I decided to just leave. Though I still want to go and find a job asap here.. I can’t. Due to finances problem and having a huge misunderstanding with my sister, iiwas nalang ako.
Money. All what’s left with my father is his personal savings. Sa bahay namin may tubig, kuryente, cable, ref, INTERNET ( na syang tulay paalis sa boring kong buhay & tv also) and other appliances that are consuming electricity, hindi na kayang ishoulder lahat ni papa.. My sister? I have no idea how she share with the bills.. and as for me? Nung my work ako, I also gave some money to papa but that’s not enough and I can’t regularly share din, kasi hindi pa ganun kalaki yung sinasahod ko at yeah, dahil malungkot ako mas gumagastos ako sa gala with friends pag weekends ( I know, I’m a fool, shame on me) but that’s my way to forget that my life is miserable. I can’t just stay at home after 5 days/nights of working nonstop, I can’t just watch tv or surf the internet, seeing newsfeeds on facebook about how happy my friends are with there life, I can’t do that on my 2 days weekend and then wait again for that fucking 5 days/nights to work again!! Understand me please T_T
Food. I buy my own food, and when I buy mine it also includes my father of course. I can’t eat food while knowing that he doesn’t have his meal yet. My sister? well, she has her own money, she’s older than me so I don’t bother about her.
And speaking about my sister, yea, we don’t talk. It’s been half a year already or 5 months? I don’t know how or if we can fix it again. I can’t remember why we turn to be like this, but as far as I know, I didn’t do anything to her.. except on not attending my duty in PNK anymore. I have my reason for that to, but i can’t tell it here.
My mother. She is not here, she left a year a go, she only visit us twice within that year.. and that’s the reason why I feel so incomplete.
I stop attending my duty in PNK right after the year end pasalamat and I know that it is the reason that I living my life so miserable, so sad and incomplete. Though I know that it is a very big mistake, na pwede ko naman isantabi yung pansarili kong dahilan, mas pinili ko pa rin ang tumigil, kaya din galit na galit sakin si ate, pampapanget ako ng performance ng dako, to think na alam ko na pinipilit nilang pagandahin yun. I’ve been so stubborn, selfish and close minded, inuna ko yung sarili ko.. sorry,pero hindi ko lang talaga kayang bumalik, I can’t face the innocent little kids and act as if I’m a good model to them, I cant teach them to be good, well mannered and to always have fear to God when in fact I know that myself is definitely the opposite of good.